Monday, 25 August 2014

"Everyone just pretend to be normal"

Sometimes members of my family will gently remind me that I'm, shall we say, a bit eccentric. I can't disagree with this but I was hoping that the McBaby wouldn't inherit this trait. And then we'll go away for a weekend and I'll watch him and think; Hmm. He most definitely is not normal. For example, in the last few days:

1. We were at a party and we thought we'd show the McBaby how to play badminton since there were three rackets and two shuttlecocks. He licked a badminton racket and then hit the two shuttlecocks into the woods, never to be seen again.

2. I'd been asked to help someone get their baby to sleep, so I walked him round and round in circles until he dropped off. And when he did, the McBaby woke him up by making an elephant noise in his face. As you do.

3. Proving that it's not just me, MrM and I were on the dancefloor and he suddenly produced a can of cider from nowhere. "Who gave you that"? I asked. "Sarah and Duck" he replied, actually meaning Chris and Lisa. Of course.

4. I was watching an old episode of Bullseye on Challenge a bit too intently. I then realised that I'd managed to teach the McBaby to shout "GAMBLE" at the TV (and back in time to the 80s).

5. It's not just us. I saw the NcNephew at the weekend and the only bit of conversation I got from him was a brilliant one-liner. For a three-year-old. Apparently my head looks like a bottom.

6. With little time to read, I like to have an audiobook in the car for my commute to work. I'll have to rethink this and perhaps the type of stories to listen to after opening the window and the man reading the story shouting "Bitch!" repeatedly at some poor woman waiting to cross the road.

Is your family "normal"?


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Wonderful World, Beautiful Days – Joe Blogs about the weekend

The parents took me to a field in Devon again. It must be that time of year where we load up the campervan, set off singing Levellers songs loudly, arrive in a field, mummy starts drinking cider and daddy puts up the tent.

Despite the large quantity of cider drunk (or owing to it?), we had a brilliant weekend – I spent most of it running from one muddy puddle to another, splashing around and shrieking. I also got to go on the Ferris Wheel, on the big helter skelter and the chairoplanes. I also spent hours and hours hitting plastic bottles with sticks. Mummy has generously called this “drumming”.

On the Friday before the Levellers acoustic set, my mummy congratulated daddy on buying a new tent. She said that she liked this tent because every time she opened it, someone famous walked past. The first time she opened it, Seth Lakeman walked past. The second time, it was John Robb, then the third time, my friend Elsie appeared. She’s two as well but nowhere near as naughty as me. Unlike me, she didn’t shout into all of the bins, heckle any bands or spend half a day making a den underneath an A-board for “moustaches and coffee”.

But as well as being great for me – there’s also lots for adults to do too. Mummy and Daddy hauled me in to watch lots of fabulous - and hugely eclectic - bands. Unfortunately this meant watching the pair of them dancing like muppets to a line-up that included Jimmy Cliff, Seth Lakeman, 3 Daft Monkeys and the Levellers (twice!), needless to say. I particularly liked Dreadzone, even though I have seen them before, and danced so madly that lots of people asked mummy if they could take my picture.

They also planned to watch acts like Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott, but I thought that would be a good time to have a tantrum, meaning that it was a two-man job to put me to bed.

The next day, we decided to get some t-shirts although me and mummy were a bit surprised that daddy bought three that were exactly the same, making us look like the substitutes for the next Holland international game. At least in my bright orange t-shirt I was highly visible, making it much easier for mummy to chase me when I kept running away.

None of us wanted to leave on Monday morning and this time it was my mummy who was the one that kept disappearing. We drove home waving goodbye to the lovely field, already looking forward to next year’s event.

The same place two years ago

Monday, 4 August 2014

Feng shui

As you may know, the McBaby does not do what he is told. For example, when I asked him to stop calling his daddy by the inappropriate nickname by which I've been calling him for 10 years, he shouted it more loudly with glee.

Same with bedtime. So MrM decided to see if we could get a bit of feng shui on our side. Perhaps the ever-inquisitive McBaby wouldn't stay in his bed, because he can't see what's going on from his bed. How about moving the room around to put the bed nearer to the door, facilitating a view of the landing.

Well, no sooner had I rearranged the bed and remade it than he pushed me out of the way, shouting "my bed!" and actually got in and laughed. Hopefully the Chinese are onto something!

Simon Le Bon, Baby Bio and Bladder bashing

With about 100 people asking me in the last few days if we're going to provide the McBaby with a sibling and my mumbled reply, not knowing what to say, I've been thinking about what it's like to be an only child. I was an only child for ages before my younger sister came along, so it did make me laugh to read some of the things that Mumsnetters used to do to their siblings.

My sister and I weren't terribly inventive on that front, although I do remember that on long car journeys, if I needed the toilet, she used to take great delight in pressing on my bladder with all of her might. Her other car trip trick was to hit herself and then tell on me. My parents fell for it every time, never failing to look ahead and admonishing me while I protesting and my sister laughed silently to herself.

The only thing I can think of that I did to her was to encourage her to wash her hair with Baby Bio plant food. In my defence, my hair was one of my best features (not any more....) and I'd specifically asked her not to use my very expensive Cream Silk shampoo (whatever happened to Cream Silk? A quick internet search shows me that it's still available in the Philipines but I'm sure I used to buy it in Gateway in Weymouth?)

She used my shampoo. So I asked her to use this special brand called Baby Bio. I think it helped her hair grow....

Friday, 1 August 2014


Just moved it to find a mountain of food underneath. So much food that MrM would not let me photograph it - I did snap part of the clean-up operation though.....